Like many students in The Warsaw, Serek has been looking for a job in order to pay for his next term's study fees. Languidly leafing through the pages of Gazeta Wyborcza, he came across an ad that looked interesting.
Vacancy for Madman shouting from a fourth floor balcony
Central location, flexible hours and immediate start.
Well, you'd be a fool not to go for it and being smarter than the average woodencat, Serek applied.
He caught a 24 tram to Plac Zawiszy and then walked 100 metres along to where the flat was situated. He took the lift to the fifth floor and then walked down a flight - just in case an ambush had been planned. (that's how smart he is!)
He rang the bell of the apartment and an unshaven man with no shirt came to the door and beckoned him in.
'Please, make yourself at home. A lemon tea perhaps?'
Serek was puzzled and suspicious. 'I hope you don't mind me saying but you don't seem very mad - quite sane in fact.'
'What? Are you crazy!' The Madman snapped. 'Of course I'm not mad. It's just an act. I did it once for a joke and then for a while, I enjoyed it but I've been doing it for 20 years now and it's become a real burden. People congregate at the tram stop below; some shout back, some laugh, some look away in embarrassment but they've all come to expect it and I'm tired. My brother has a summer house up near the lakes and has invited me to stay. Maybe I won't come back at all - so I need a replacement. What do you say?'
Serek was cautious and gave a rather quizzical look like Ron Mael from Sparks and then declared:
'Serek: Second Officer; 4279!'
'Ah, you've a fine set of lungs but can you shout really loud, like 97 units of insanity? At rush hour, there's a lot of traffic and noise and there's no point being a madman shouting from the fourth floor of a balcony if no one can hear you.'
'Serek: Second Officer; 4279!'
(At this point, I should explain that Serek believes that he is a Polish pilot in the World War 2 RAF and is under interrogation - permanently. 303 Squadron of course!)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No._303_Polish_Fighter_Squadron
'Yes. It's a nice act but I'm still worried about the volume.'
'Serek: Second Officer; 4279!'
'OK, OK, you can have the job. Call by tomorrow morning. Right now I need to go. Tram Number 9's just pulled in and I always like to put on a good show for them.'
He got up and walked out onto the balcony.
'Vermin! Sod-beetles! Cattle knacker ear wipes. Going going gong bong Evonne Goolagong!'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evonne_Goolagong
He popped his head back through the door and said.
'Close the door on your way out. I'll call you next week.'
Serek returned, looking a little despondent.
'Well? How did it go?' I asked
He took a breathe and for a moment, I thought he was about to speak but then he just gave a rather quizzical look like Ron Mael from Sparks.
Today is: Handle Day and Peach Halves in Syrup Day.
Last blog's conundrum answer: 97 (If you answered sausage, you must really be mad - it's not even a number!)
Today's Woodencat Conundrum is:
When you're not yourself, who are you?
Dorota's Charity
Dorota is an only cat. She was made in The Taiwan and then exported to The Poland where she sat in a window in a gift shop at Dom Towarowa Wola. Luckily, Lady of the House often passed this way and thought that she would make a nice Christmas present for Man about the House. So now she is an owned cat and her spirit has been liberated. Sadly, not all cats are so fortunate and that's why Dorota has founded a new charity.
For cats that haven't been thought of.
We just don't know how many cats haven't been thought of because nobody has ever thought about it but there must be thousands or at least six who don't yet exist because nobody ever thought of them. If you never think about them, they'll never know what a life they could have had because they won't have had the chance to think about it. Think about it!
I think you can see what a desperate situation it is and we haven't even got on to the cat biscuit famine in Tesco's. (In this case, it's best not to think about it)
You can help in three ways:
Think of a cat - any cat, any time, any place - that's Martini - and one will be liberated from purgatory.
If you see a woodencat, don't leave it melting its varnish in a shop window - give it a home.
Finally, send money. This is not for Dorota's charity but for me so that I can afford a pad on a 1 metre 43cm shelf and get that illusive Tigger Likes to Bounce Card.
Today is Mobile Phone Ring tone Day, Car Alarm Day and Badge with Ochrona Written on Day.
Also, as from today, I'm introducing a new exciting feature, the woodencat conundrum. This is a question, the answer of which will appear in the subsequent blog. You can guess the answer and check it in the following episode.
Today's Woodencat Conundrum:
How loud does a madman shout? (In units of insanity of course!)
As this is the first one, I'm going to make it really easy and give you a choice of three; is it?
a) 23 b) 97 c) sausage
For cats that haven't been thought of.
We just don't know how many cats haven't been thought of because nobody has ever thought about it but there must be thousands or at least six who don't yet exist because nobody ever thought of them. If you never think about them, they'll never know what a life they could have had because they won't have had the chance to think about it. Think about it!
I think you can see what a desperate situation it is and we haven't even got on to the cat biscuit famine in Tesco's. (In this case, it's best not to think about it)
You can help in three ways:
Think of a cat - any cat, any time, any place - that's Martini - and one will be liberated from purgatory.
If you see a woodencat, don't leave it melting its varnish in a shop window - give it a home.
Finally, send money. This is not for Dorota's charity but for me so that I can afford a pad on a 1 metre 43cm shelf and get that illusive Tigger Likes to Bounce Card.
Today is Mobile Phone Ring tone Day, Car Alarm Day and Badge with Ochrona Written on Day.
Also, as from today, I'm introducing a new exciting feature, the woodencat conundrum. This is a question, the answer of which will appear in the subsequent blog. You can guess the answer and check it in the following episode.
Today's Woodencat Conundrum:
How loud does a madman shout? (In units of insanity of course!)
As this is the first one, I'm going to make it really easy and give you a choice of three; is it?
a) 23 b) 97 c) sausage
Tigger likes to Bounce
Here in the Warsaw there are hundreds of banks. Thousands maybe. Possibly even three hundred billion, zillion, BobDylian but not one of them catering for woodencats. Luckily, we have a genius in our ranks.
Mog has created the first online bank exclusively for woodencats. It's called EMBANK. (Electronic Mog) and it has lots of funky new products and an introductory offer of a can of furniture polish that has certainly got me interested.
By far the most innovative product is the 'Tigger likes to bounce' card. It's a card for young, woodencats who say 'funky, yeah, afterka and Grrrr!' (I have advised against giving one to Harvey as he only counts to four and Barney because...... well, I don't need to explain)
The card has a perpetually rising credit limit which goes up and up until you just can't afford to pay it, at which point, you 'bounce' it! However, it was important to find out, just how high the Tigger likes to bounce card, should bounce.
We took the card and bounced it 473 times. It was difficult as the card is not very paw friendly. The average height of bounce was 1m. 43cm. I'm on a shelf 2 metres off the ground so I can't have one. It was disappointing and I phoned to complain. Unfortunately, as Mog is running the business single pawed, there is an answering machine saying:
'All of our Catorators are busy at the moment, SO GO SNIFF A DOG'S BUTT - LOSER!'
I was shocked and I will raise the matter at the next lesson.
The other problem is that despite thorough research on the money markets, (including Tubbytext) none of us can find any information on the centimetre to zloty exchange rate. Until then, all transactions are on hold.
Perhaps I'll invest in furniture polish.I believe reserves are running low and rising prices have already caused French cleaning ladies to burn their dusters. When I've cleaned up on the cleaning materials market, I'll get a better shelf; one the doesn't overlook the Skup. A shelf of 1m 43 - low enough for the Tigger likes to bounce card. 'Funky, Yeah!, Afterka, Grrrr!
Sorry - I forgot to mention. Today is Furniture Polish and Cat Litter Day.
Mog has created the first online bank exclusively for woodencats. It's called EMBANK. (Electronic Mog) and it has lots of funky new products and an introductory offer of a can of furniture polish that has certainly got me interested.
By far the most innovative product is the 'Tigger likes to bounce' card. It's a card for young, woodencats who say 'funky, yeah, afterka and Grrrr!' (I have advised against giving one to Harvey as he only counts to four and Barney because...... well, I don't need to explain)
The card has a perpetually rising credit limit which goes up and up until you just can't afford to pay it, at which point, you 'bounce' it! However, it was important to find out, just how high the Tigger likes to bounce card, should bounce.
We took the card and bounced it 473 times. It was difficult as the card is not very paw friendly. The average height of bounce was 1m. 43cm. I'm on a shelf 2 metres off the ground so I can't have one. It was disappointing and I phoned to complain. Unfortunately, as Mog is running the business single pawed, there is an answering machine saying:
'All of our Catorators are busy at the moment, SO GO SNIFF A DOG'S BUTT - LOSER!'
I was shocked and I will raise the matter at the next lesson.
The other problem is that despite thorough research on the money markets, (including Tubbytext) none of us can find any information on the centimetre to zloty exchange rate. Until then, all transactions are on hold.
Perhaps I'll invest in furniture polish.I believe reserves are running low and rising prices have already caused French cleaning ladies to burn their dusters. When I've cleaned up on the cleaning materials market, I'll get a better shelf; one the doesn't overlook the Skup. A shelf of 1m 43 - low enough for the Tigger likes to bounce card. 'Funky, Yeah!, Afterka, Grrrr!
Sorry - I forgot to mention. Today is Furniture Polish and Cat Litter Day.
Harvey's Song
Harvey has asked if I will publish his song on the blog. It goes like this:
I'm a very friendly cat called Harvey
And I've got a little friend called Barney
But he's nothing like Robert Mugabe
In fact, he's never even been to Zimbabwe
That's it. Only four lines but Harvey can only count to four and he thought he would forget anything more. It's not brilliant but you have to be encouraging and it's not so different from Dylan Thomas when you think about it; Under Milk Wood in particular, which featuring Captain Cat and Mog Edwards is naturally a big favourite in the Woodencat household.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Under_Milk_Wood
Today is Stale Cheese and Dog Blanket Day
I'm a very friendly cat called Harvey
And I've got a little friend called Barney
But he's nothing like Robert Mugabe
In fact, he's never even been to Zimbabwe
That's it. Only four lines but Harvey can only count to four and he thought he would forget anything more. It's not brilliant but you have to be encouraging and it's not so different from Dylan Thomas when you think about it; Under Milk Wood in particular, which featuring Captain Cat and Mog Edwards is naturally a big favourite in the Woodencat household.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Under_Milk_Wood
Today is Stale Cheese and Dog Blanket Day
Kelly Marie Spacedrum Syndrome
Well it's a bit of a mixed bag of news that I have for you today. Firstly, let me apologise for the fact that it's been so long since I last posted but the truth is that we've all been rather ill.
We've traced it back to the pizza delivery man on Tuesday. He was singing, 'It feels like I'm in love' as he rang the doorbell and there can be no doubt that we caught it off him. All of us have been suffering with a severe bout of Kelly Marie Spacedrum Syndrome and it's been hard to get any sense out of any wooden cat.
For example, I tried to run a class with K3 the other day on the subject of whether advances in science proved or disproved the existence of God.
'Ping-ping! Bing, bing!' came the universal reply.
Exasperated, I decided to try them on something simpler like Tubby collocations. They'd only got as far as Tubby toast and Tubby custard when to a cat, they all chorused,
'My heart beats like a drum. Bing-bing! Bong-bong!'
It was hopeless but it could have been worse I suppose. None of us have developed any symptoms of Crazy Frog complications that have proved to be fatal in cases where people have thrown themselves off balconies. Anyway, we're all recovering slowly. Ping.
On a brighter note, Barney has cleaned up his act but I'm still worried about his sanity. Now he says that he wants to be a monk and that it's just a matter of changing his habits. As a start, he's shaved a circle on the centre of his head. It's pretty bizarre I can tell you but at least he's back on milk so we have to be grateful for small mercies.
Finally, the French ladies have been on strike and are refusing even to gossip. When I asked them what it was about, they went berserk and tipped out all of the frozen fish from the freezer onto the floor, shouting,
'Peut-être maintenant, vous comprendrez!'
Frankly, I don't but then I don't speak French.
Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you that today is Trouser Day and Tin of Peas Day. I've started doubling up in order to get more things in. Soon, we'll all have to move to an eight day week.
All in all, it's been a funny old week but it's spring, the birds are singing, the sun is shinning, my head is in a spin, my feet don't touch the ground, because you're near to me, my head goes round and round. My knees are shaking baby; my heart it beats like a drum. (Ping-Ping! Bing-bing!)
It feels like; it feels like I'm in love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9-HkQGvut8
We've traced it back to the pizza delivery man on Tuesday. He was singing, 'It feels like I'm in love' as he rang the doorbell and there can be no doubt that we caught it off him. All of us have been suffering with a severe bout of Kelly Marie Spacedrum Syndrome and it's been hard to get any sense out of any wooden cat.
For example, I tried to run a class with K3 the other day on the subject of whether advances in science proved or disproved the existence of God.
'Ping-ping! Bing, bing!' came the universal reply.
Exasperated, I decided to try them on something simpler like Tubby collocations. They'd only got as far as Tubby toast and Tubby custard when to a cat, they all chorused,
'My heart beats like a drum. Bing-bing! Bong-bong!'
It was hopeless but it could have been worse I suppose. None of us have developed any symptoms of Crazy Frog complications that have proved to be fatal in cases where people have thrown themselves off balconies. Anyway, we're all recovering slowly. Ping.
On a brighter note, Barney has cleaned up his act but I'm still worried about his sanity. Now he says that he wants to be a monk and that it's just a matter of changing his habits. As a start, he's shaved a circle on the centre of his head. It's pretty bizarre I can tell you but at least he's back on milk so we have to be grateful for small mercies.
Finally, the French ladies have been on strike and are refusing even to gossip. When I asked them what it was about, they went berserk and tipped out all of the frozen fish from the freezer onto the floor, shouting,
'Peut-être maintenant, vous comprendrez!'
Frankly, I don't but then I don't speak French.
Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you that today is Trouser Day and Tin of Peas Day. I've started doubling up in order to get more things in. Soon, we'll all have to move to an eight day week.
All in all, it's been a funny old week but it's spring, the birds are singing, the sun is shinning, my head is in a spin, my feet don't touch the ground, because you're near to me, my head goes round and round. My knees are shaking baby; my heart it beats like a drum. (Ping-Ping! Bing-bing!)
It feels like; it feels like I'm in love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9-HkQGvut8
Hamster Day
Even those who didn't know about Television Day can't fail to have noticed that today is Hamster day. In fact, here in the Warsaw it always has been. Those little fur balls are the zeitgeist of our age. Who can forget the drama of THE GODHAMSTER or the immortal line, 'I've got a hamster and I'm not afraid to use it!'
Much vodka has been drunk and many a chomik toasted today not least by Barney who I have to tell you, has gone off the rails a bit lately.
It all started when Barney found a bag of discarded words on a local building site. They were quite rough and dirty but he thought that they might be worth something so he took them to the Skup. Well, of course, the Skup Baron was unimpressed saying that such words were commonplace and that their overuse had diminished their value.
Nevertheless, he exchanged them for a bottle of Spiritus that Barney shared with some bin cats. In return, a rather mangy, ginger tom called Wojtek, gave him some bright red headphones - no MP3 player, just headphones with a dangling cord. Barney wears them with pride. Personally, I think he looks ridiculous.
So now, he has become a full-time Skuper and he's been looking for rarer, more valuable words. Yesterday, he hit the jackpot. Inside a bin and underneath a pizza box, yogurt carton and empty jar of Bigos, he discovered a package marked 'Ken Dodd's chuckle muscles.' He didn't dare open it in broad daylight but instead, stealthily sneaked it back into a nearby shed. By the light of one of the candles from Television day, he unclipped the case and peered inside.
'Well pull my nose and call me a dog!' He exclaimed.
The container was stashed full of big, fat, delicious words the likes of which you'd never tasted. It was all he could do to prevent himself from devouring them there and then but he resisted and carefully pulled them out one by one sniffing each syllable and inhaling the intoxicating ink.
'Tickling stick'
'Doddy'
'Diddy Men'
'Tattifilarious'
and best of all,
'Discomknockeration'
He shoved them back into the box and rushed down to the Skup before it closed. At first, the Baron didn't believe that they were real words, not having come across them before and it was necessary to search Wikipedia to resolve the matter.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Dodd
That done, Barney was rewarded handsomely with Spiritus, cat biscuits and Mouse stickers.
He's been quite drunk since and keeps falling out of trees. He staggers around with his headphones cocked at a cavalier angle, shouting, 'Spoko!' to passers by. When they ignore him, he becomes belligerent and calls out, 'I've got a Hamster and I'm not afraid to use it!'
I'll be glad when Hamster day's over.
Much vodka has been drunk and many a chomik toasted today not least by Barney who I have to tell you, has gone off the rails a bit lately.
It all started when Barney found a bag of discarded words on a local building site. They were quite rough and dirty but he thought that they might be worth something so he took them to the Skup. Well, of course, the Skup Baron was unimpressed saying that such words were commonplace and that their overuse had diminished their value.
Nevertheless, he exchanged them for a bottle of Spiritus that Barney shared with some bin cats. In return, a rather mangy, ginger tom called Wojtek, gave him some bright red headphones - no MP3 player, just headphones with a dangling cord. Barney wears them with pride. Personally, I think he looks ridiculous.
So now, he has become a full-time Skuper and he's been looking for rarer, more valuable words. Yesterday, he hit the jackpot. Inside a bin and underneath a pizza box, yogurt carton and empty jar of Bigos, he discovered a package marked 'Ken Dodd's chuckle muscles.' He didn't dare open it in broad daylight but instead, stealthily sneaked it back into a nearby shed. By the light of one of the candles from Television day, he unclipped the case and peered inside.
'Well pull my nose and call me a dog!' He exclaimed.
The container was stashed full of big, fat, delicious words the likes of which you'd never tasted. It was all he could do to prevent himself from devouring them there and then but he resisted and carefully pulled them out one by one sniffing each syllable and inhaling the intoxicating ink.
'Tickling stick'
'Doddy'
'Diddy Men'
'Tattifilarious'
and best of all,
'Discomknockeration'
He shoved them back into the box and rushed down to the Skup before it closed. At first, the Baron didn't believe that they were real words, not having come across them before and it was necessary to search Wikipedia to resolve the matter.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Dodd
That done, Barney was rewarded handsomely with Spiritus, cat biscuits and Mouse stickers.
He's been quite drunk since and keeps falling out of trees. He staggers around with his headphones cocked at a cavalier angle, shouting, 'Spoko!' to passers by. When they ignore him, he becomes belligerent and calls out, 'I've got a Hamster and I'm not afraid to use it!'
I'll be glad when Hamster day's over.
Television Day
Today is Television Day. We got a bowl of water, sprinkled some rose petals on the surface and lit some floating scented candles. Mog and Dorota wrapped the TV casing in tinsel and the French ladies made a tarte au pommes.
Sadly, Television said nothing. In fact, he didn't seem at all switched on today. He's very obedient and only really listens to Man about the House who asks for Euronews and Love Boat. Lady of the House doesn't talk to him as he doesn't speak English.
Tout a la Mer is a lighthouse that lives 30cms away from me and it was his idea. To be honest, I didn't realise he could talk but he's made of wood so I suppose it makes sense. Here in the Warsaw, there is a strange habit of naming days after people. So if your name is Magda or Piotr you have a name day, sometimes more than one; even teachers have name days but I'm not sure about vets.
Tout a la Mer said that it was typically egotistical of humans to assume that only they should have name days and that anything with a soul should have one. A committee was formed to decide who should have name days but after much noisy debate, the Meowists convinced us that this was reactionary and all objects animate or otherwise should have their day.
So now I am drawing up a list. It's a very long list with at least four things on so far. Today is Television Day.
Sadly, Television said nothing. In fact, he didn't seem at all switched on today. He's very obedient and only really listens to Man about the House who asks for Euronews and Love Boat. Lady of the House doesn't talk to him as he doesn't speak English.
Tout a la Mer is a lighthouse that lives 30cms away from me and it was his idea. To be honest, I didn't realise he could talk but he's made of wood so I suppose it makes sense. Here in the Warsaw, there is a strange habit of naming days after people. So if your name is Magda or Piotr you have a name day, sometimes more than one; even teachers have name days but I'm not sure about vets.
Tout a la Mer said that it was typically egotistical of humans to assume that only they should have name days and that anything with a soul should have one. A committee was formed to decide who should have name days but after much noisy debate, the Meowists convinced us that this was reactionary and all objects animate or otherwise should have their day.
So now I am drawing up a list. It's a very long list with at least four things on so far. Today is Television Day.