Like many students in The Warsaw, Serek has been looking for a job in order to pay for his next term's study fees. Languidly leafing through the pages of Gazeta Wyborcza, he came across an ad that looked interesting.
Vacancy for Madman shouting from a fourth floor balcony
Central location, flexible hours and immediate start.
Well, you'd be a fool not to go for it and being smarter than the average woodencat, Serek applied.
He caught a 24 tram to Plac Zawiszy and then walked 100 metres along to where the flat was situated. He took the lift to the fifth floor and then walked down a flight - just in case an ambush had been planned. (that's how smart he is!)
He rang the bell of the apartment and an unshaven man with no shirt came to the door and beckoned him in.
'Please, make yourself at home. A lemon tea perhaps?'
Serek was puzzled and suspicious. 'I hope you don't mind me saying but you don't seem very mad - quite sane in fact.'
'What? Are you crazy!' The Madman snapped. 'Of course I'm not mad. It's just an act. I did it once for a joke and then for a while, I enjoyed it but I've been doing it for 20 years now and it's become a real burden. People congregate at the tram stop below; some shout back, some laugh, some look away in embarrassment but they've all come to expect it and I'm tired. My brother has a summer house up near the lakes and has invited me to stay. Maybe I won't come back at all - so I need a replacement. What do you say?'
Serek was cautious and gave a rather quizzical look like Ron Mael from Sparks and then declared:
'Serek: Second Officer; 4279!'
'Ah, you've a fine set of lungs but can you shout really loud, like 97 units of insanity? At rush hour, there's a lot of traffic and noise and there's no point being a madman shouting from the fourth floor of a balcony if no one can hear you.'
'Serek: Second Officer; 4279!'
(At this point, I should explain that Serek believes that he is a Polish pilot in the World War 2 RAF and is under interrogation - permanently. 303 Squadron of course!)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No._303_Polish_Fighter_Squadron
'Yes. It's a nice act but I'm still worried about the volume.'
'Serek: Second Officer; 4279!'
'OK, OK, you can have the job. Call by tomorrow morning. Right now I need to go. Tram Number 9's just pulled in and I always like to put on a good show for them.'
He got up and walked out onto the balcony.
'Vermin! Sod-beetles! Cattle knacker ear wipes. Going going gong bong Evonne Goolagong!'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evonne_Goolagong
He popped his head back through the door and said.
'Close the door on your way out. I'll call you next week.'
Serek returned, looking a little despondent.
'Well? How did it go?' I asked
He took a breathe and for a moment, I thought he was about to speak but then he just gave a rather quizzical look like Ron Mael from Sparks.
Today is: Handle Day and Peach Halves in Syrup Day.
Last blog's conundrum answer: 97 (If you answered sausage, you must really be mad - it's not even a number!)
Today's Woodencat Conundrum is:
When you're not yourself, who are you?
Dorota's Charity
Dorota is an only cat. She was made in The Taiwan and then exported to The Poland where she sat in a window in a gift shop at Dom Towarowa Wola. Luckily, Lady of the House often passed this way and thought that she would make a nice Christmas present for Man about the House. So now she is an owned cat and her spirit has been liberated. Sadly, not all cats are so fortunate and that's why Dorota has founded a new charity.
For cats that haven't been thought of.
We just don't know how many cats haven't been thought of because nobody has ever thought about it but there must be thousands or at least six who don't yet exist because nobody ever thought of them. If you never think about them, they'll never know what a life they could have had because they won't have had the chance to think about it. Think about it!
I think you can see what a desperate situation it is and we haven't even got on to the cat biscuit famine in Tesco's. (In this case, it's best not to think about it)
You can help in three ways:
Think of a cat - any cat, any time, any place - that's Martini - and one will be liberated from purgatory.
If you see a woodencat, don't leave it melting its varnish in a shop window - give it a home.
Finally, send money. This is not for Dorota's charity but for me so that I can afford a pad on a 1 metre 43cm shelf and get that illusive Tigger Likes to Bounce Card.
Today is Mobile Phone Ring tone Day, Car Alarm Day and Badge with Ochrona Written on Day.
Also, as from today, I'm introducing a new exciting feature, the woodencat conundrum. This is a question, the answer of which will appear in the subsequent blog. You can guess the answer and check it in the following episode.
Today's Woodencat Conundrum:
How loud does a madman shout? (In units of insanity of course!)
As this is the first one, I'm going to make it really easy and give you a choice of three; is it?
a) 23 b) 97 c) sausage
For cats that haven't been thought of.
We just don't know how many cats haven't been thought of because nobody has ever thought about it but there must be thousands or at least six who don't yet exist because nobody ever thought of them. If you never think about them, they'll never know what a life they could have had because they won't have had the chance to think about it. Think about it!
I think you can see what a desperate situation it is and we haven't even got on to the cat biscuit famine in Tesco's. (In this case, it's best not to think about it)
You can help in three ways:
Think of a cat - any cat, any time, any place - that's Martini - and one will be liberated from purgatory.
If you see a woodencat, don't leave it melting its varnish in a shop window - give it a home.
Finally, send money. This is not for Dorota's charity but for me so that I can afford a pad on a 1 metre 43cm shelf and get that illusive Tigger Likes to Bounce Card.
Today is Mobile Phone Ring tone Day, Car Alarm Day and Badge with Ochrona Written on Day.
Also, as from today, I'm introducing a new exciting feature, the woodencat conundrum. This is a question, the answer of which will appear in the subsequent blog. You can guess the answer and check it in the following episode.
Today's Woodencat Conundrum:
How loud does a madman shout? (In units of insanity of course!)
As this is the first one, I'm going to make it really easy and give you a choice of three; is it?
a) 23 b) 97 c) sausage
Tigger likes to Bounce
Here in the Warsaw there are hundreds of banks. Thousands maybe. Possibly even three hundred billion, zillion, BobDylian but not one of them catering for woodencats. Luckily, we have a genius in our ranks.
Mog has created the first online bank exclusively for woodencats. It's called EMBANK. (Electronic Mog) and it has lots of funky new products and an introductory offer of a can of furniture polish that has certainly got me interested.
By far the most innovative product is the 'Tigger likes to bounce' card. It's a card for young, woodencats who say 'funky, yeah, afterka and Grrrr!' (I have advised against giving one to Harvey as he only counts to four and Barney because...... well, I don't need to explain)
The card has a perpetually rising credit limit which goes up and up until you just can't afford to pay it, at which point, you 'bounce' it! However, it was important to find out, just how high the Tigger likes to bounce card, should bounce.
We took the card and bounced it 473 times. It was difficult as the card is not very paw friendly. The average height of bounce was 1m. 43cm. I'm on a shelf 2 metres off the ground so I can't have one. It was disappointing and I phoned to complain. Unfortunately, as Mog is running the business single pawed, there is an answering machine saying:
'All of our Catorators are busy at the moment, SO GO SNIFF A DOG'S BUTT - LOSER!'
I was shocked and I will raise the matter at the next lesson.
The other problem is that despite thorough research on the money markets, (including Tubbytext) none of us can find any information on the centimetre to zloty exchange rate. Until then, all transactions are on hold.
Perhaps I'll invest in furniture polish.I believe reserves are running low and rising prices have already caused French cleaning ladies to burn their dusters. When I've cleaned up on the cleaning materials market, I'll get a better shelf; one the doesn't overlook the Skup. A shelf of 1m 43 - low enough for the Tigger likes to bounce card. 'Funky, Yeah!, Afterka, Grrrr!
Sorry - I forgot to mention. Today is Furniture Polish and Cat Litter Day.
Mog has created the first online bank exclusively for woodencats. It's called EMBANK. (Electronic Mog) and it has lots of funky new products and an introductory offer of a can of furniture polish that has certainly got me interested.
By far the most innovative product is the 'Tigger likes to bounce' card. It's a card for young, woodencats who say 'funky, yeah, afterka and Grrrr!' (I have advised against giving one to Harvey as he only counts to four and Barney because...... well, I don't need to explain)
The card has a perpetually rising credit limit which goes up and up until you just can't afford to pay it, at which point, you 'bounce' it! However, it was important to find out, just how high the Tigger likes to bounce card, should bounce.
We took the card and bounced it 473 times. It was difficult as the card is not very paw friendly. The average height of bounce was 1m. 43cm. I'm on a shelf 2 metres off the ground so I can't have one. It was disappointing and I phoned to complain. Unfortunately, as Mog is running the business single pawed, there is an answering machine saying:
'All of our Catorators are busy at the moment, SO GO SNIFF A DOG'S BUTT - LOSER!'
I was shocked and I will raise the matter at the next lesson.
The other problem is that despite thorough research on the money markets, (including Tubbytext) none of us can find any information on the centimetre to zloty exchange rate. Until then, all transactions are on hold.
Perhaps I'll invest in furniture polish.I believe reserves are running low and rising prices have already caused French cleaning ladies to burn their dusters. When I've cleaned up on the cleaning materials market, I'll get a better shelf; one the doesn't overlook the Skup. A shelf of 1m 43 - low enough for the Tigger likes to bounce card. 'Funky, Yeah!, Afterka, Grrrr!
Sorry - I forgot to mention. Today is Furniture Polish and Cat Litter Day.