He'd been acting strangely for a while. Lady of the House spotted it first when she said to Man about the House,
'Are you sure you're alright? You don't seem to be yourself lately. He just looked at her rather pityingly and replied,
'No matter, no matter colour; you will always be my brother.' He then slid open the cupboard doors and started playing his keyboard.
'You'll be late for work', she emplored. Man about the House was oblivious to the warning,. Holding down the rhythm button, he said, 'Everybody's got to live together. Why can't we live together?'
Lady of the House was exasperated. This nonsense had gone on long enough. There was only one thing to do. Call for an Emergency Psychiatrist! She marched down the stairs to the entrance hall, looked on the noticeboard and scanned the information. Administration, Taxis, Cable TV, Police, Fire, Ambulance - ah! Emergency Psychiatry. Two ads in fact but then it is Wola. She entered both numbers into her mobile and called the first.
'Hello? Is that Pani Wanda?
'Yeeees' - came a slow mystical voice.
'Are you an emergency psyciatrist?'
'Yeeees'
'It's my husband. He's gone Crackerdog. Doolally Dave, Barking, Nutty as a Fruitcake,'
'Indeed?'
'Can you come quickly?'
'Yeees.' She hung up.
Lady of the House went upsatiars to find a large, round woman waiting at the door.
'Can I help you?' Lady of the house asked.
'Yeees. Pani Wanda'.
She handed over her card which said Pani Wanda - Instant Emergency Psychiatry.
Well, she was certainly quick.
' We'd better go in.'
To Lady of the House's embarrassment, Man about the House was in the bathroom but with the door open. What little hair he had had been combed upwards in the style of boxing promoter Don King and he'd managed to cover most of his body in black shoe polish except for the middle of his back which was proving problematic. Lady of the House went to apologise but Pani Wanda, raised her hand.
'Say nothing.' she ordered. 'It's clear. The worst case of David Dickinsonitis I've ever seen. Keep him away from antiques and definitely no chips. He should be back to normal in a week. Here's my bill. '
Pani Wanda handed Lady of the House a small soft toy in the style of Postman Pat.
'His name's Bill. He likes racing pigeons and old motorbikes. Goodbye.'
Lady of the House is not pleased. Bill follows her around all day talking about Delbars whilst she's trying to get on with her mousework and Man about the House has shown no sign of improvement. Today in desperation (LOTH) (new exciting abbreviation) called the second emergency psychiatrist - Gordon Bennett who turned out to be Scottish. He was, as entered, midway through a conversation but with whom, I couldn't say.
'Aye. I just see Jeremy. My radiator went and I phoned Jeremy. Jeremy, I said, my radiator's gone -can you help me out? Ah ye can? I'll be right over. Aye. he'll sort me out, so he will.
Ah! Lady of the House, pleased to meet you. See, I've got a pen drive, my little stick, I call it. I've got thousands of patient records on there so I'll have no trouble sorting your old man out. Now, let the dog see the rabbit!
Reluctantly, LOTH opened the bedroom door. Math (second exciting abbreviation) was now completely black, shirt open to the waist, flared trousers and playing the keyboard.
'Very interesting', said Gordon Bennett. 'And what do you say he is being treated for? 'Dickinsonitis? That's terrible. A really bad misdiagnosis. Unplug his headphones so I can hear wat he's playing. 'Oh. A classic! Now I see it all. Mrs. Lady of the House, your husband's not himself but neither is he David Dickinson, he's Timmy Thomas.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ikrz4RFDhjA
You see, not many psychiatrists are trained in musical disorders of the early 1970's and the Pani Wanda's a bit of a cowboy. She's quick - I'll give her that, but stupid. I bet wwhen she gave you her Bill it was awee toy that talks about pigeons and get's under your feet when you're doing mousework? Aye - that's how stupid she is.
I'm afraid your husband's in quite a bad way. If only you'd called me earlier. Still don't despair after all we can always call Jeremy and in my little stick -I've a wee dose of modern music that might just wean him off the hard stuff.
http://www.myspace.com/thepigunit
Don't try to force it on him. Just play it whilst you're doing your mousework and see how he responds. Oh aye, and just to be on the safe side, I wouldn't buy any more shoe polish for a while.
Today is: Left indicator day
Angle Grinder Day (remember that's a half day for builders too!)
Last Cat Conundrum
Q. Who are you when you're not yourself?
A. Timmy Thomas.
Today's Cat Conundrum
Q. LOTH hires a cleaner, where is she from?
a) Bydgoszcz b) Bhagdad c) Birmingham d) Belize.
